Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
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200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
me before I type out affect or effect
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane