Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

Seems legit

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf