Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
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Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Best table by far
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Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
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I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet