my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
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2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out