[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
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the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂