My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
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Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have