live, laugh, laundry.
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TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
What the dentist sees
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.