Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
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ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*