This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
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The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?