I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
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[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.