[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
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you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I falcon love using swear birds
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
In banana years, I am bread.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!