I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
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I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever