When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
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“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today