When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
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Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
ibopfufen
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages