As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
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{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what