I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
![]()
You Might Also Like
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
![]()
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.