I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
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The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body