Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
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I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I was just discussing this with my cat
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Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
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So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now