I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
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[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
getting old is fun
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.