I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
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To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley