Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
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Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.