Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
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Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
This might be the funniest tweet ever
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.