Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
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Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I just tested negative for patience.