me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
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Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Mornin
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.