Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
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My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER