Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
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grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual