i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
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John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.