*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
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That de-escalated quickly
yeah not falling for this one
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
i prefer mine room temperature.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.