[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
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Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.