The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
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*looks at you in batman voice*
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?