Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
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[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it