After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
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Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
black phone good
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
worst…sale…ever
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something