Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
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Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Livid.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂