Bite me again
– my bottom lip
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-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.