Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
You Might Also Like
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.