“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
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I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
finally
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Those are good neighbors.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?