nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
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Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Nice try, poison.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
All excellent questions
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.