Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
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If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
happy valentine’s day to me
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me