Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
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I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.