Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
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If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.