I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
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*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Meme Monday.
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Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct