@SassyCanadian0

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

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@PLATINUM2000

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

@Be___Dope

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

@P1LoveChild

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

@PleaseBeGneiss

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

@Im_Tricia

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

@Gupton68

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

@NotthatAdamWest

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

@ch000ch

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.