I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
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imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Tammy is short for Tamuel
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh