I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

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If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.



Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting


“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.


IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*


Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.


I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.


If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.


call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.