Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”