*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
You Might Also Like
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Terribly Tuesday.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes