this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
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the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.