I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
You Might Also Like
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple