Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
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EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
this is uni
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.