We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
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This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.