My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
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*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.