Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
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This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
LMAO
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun