this is one of the best threads in twitter history
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I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
guys I’m going home
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
My dad.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.