My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.