Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911