I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
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Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun