My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
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You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)