Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
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Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
bout dat hot dog summer
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!